This shyt here

Wrapped up full of emotions, staring at my phone like seriously... Did you just say that? Is this really us? Wiping away tears before the questions come. I guess this is where we are. Caught between a rock and a soft place, not knowing which way to fall. I am very well cushioned on one side, but that hard place is calling my name. I am not supposed to feel like this... But neither are you.... It never really ends, it was never supposed to be that way... But we can't be. I owe you no explanation, but in the end you deserve one. I just need you to listen to me. But you already thought for me.. Now I am walking away like..... Did you just say that? Of course there were my own words, reciprocated back to me as they were said repeatedly as I dealt with the demon that was placed inside of me. I have been placed in some awkward positions, including that new shyt from last night, but now I am in the worst of them all...... Looking down and then looking up, my decision was made before this began..... Because I can't but you can, tho I know you really can't either. I am accepting it.. Its officially over....


Signed a broken heart.

Weak

I had one of the most unexpecting moments in my life this past weekend. You know somethings in life can really break a chick down. I really personified my mother to the T!!! Looking at my baby on that hospital bed, drugged up and immobile killed me. I must say I was scared shitless, but we both cant be looking all crazy. So I had to put my strentth to the test, and watch, listen and wait for her to wake up and see me. I could've almost used a drink paired with one of them great pills that she recieved, but I am so passed that. What good would I have been passed out while she was in pain. My weekend was filled with handing out pills, retrieving water and watching her sleep until I fell alseep. You know that motherly instinct that you get when you sleep when the baby does, yea that was me except in Fiance form.

I am so happy to say that my relief has come and another goal has been reached during our journey. Soon I will be watching her play basketball once again. But the worry is far from over.. NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING A COPS WIFE.. But hey, if I must.. I just want my weapon liscence.

Black HOODIE MUSIC

Someone please bring back that BLACK HOODIE MUSIC!!! The classic freestyle cyphers, the battle raps when music was real. I mean the EMINEM Cypher music. Even though he may have been the only one that actually freestyle. I give credit to my ex-boyfriend who taught me how to point out a written rhyme. Nothing wrong with writing our ya so called freestyles when they apply to the matter at hand. Don't come up and freestyle about some shyt that came from three different tracks. No I didn't physically watch the niggaisms of the BET HIP HOP AWARDS, but I did watch Facebook and Twitter as I was fully updated.

What makes a freestyle a freestyle? No its not just about witty punch lines, its about how quick you are with the lyrics. You don't leave your house already knowing you are going to get robbed? How dare you come to a freestyle cypher with a written rhyme? The disrespect of these people who can not freestyle!!! UPSETS ME AND I AM NOT EVEN AN ARTIST!!! Who do I need to talk to to bring back such a respected part of the game. When will Commercial Rap end and HIP HOP return??

Silly Parents, Kids need ADULTS

I may have come across the worst parents in history. This new generation of Mothers and Fathers really Fucking Suck!!! Not to say that our parents were the greatest, but less bull was done and more things were accomplished.

Problem 1: In the street, at no time should your kids be walking or lagging behind you. I distinctively remember my mother saying: "Keep ya ass in front to me at all times. I need to see you" What happen to those days? The other day, this mother was laking with her two friends and her daughter. The little girl was about 5 tops. Where is she? Kicking some dayum bottle while the mother is laughing and giggling 2 feet in front of her. What she does? Turns around and yells at the little girl. In those second, that little girl could have been taken or worst.

Problem 2: These parents don't care about the where abouts anymore. I had a midnight curfew all the way up until I was 21 and then it extended to 2am. NOW!!! these little bastards in the streets all kinds of hours in the night. Watching the sunrise like there is no school in the morning. Then when you hear these youngsters kidnapped and killed, the parents are sobbing and pointing blame. Sometimes you need to blame yourself for not being a more responsible parent. Then they on the side asking and praying why did this happen, oh how I can see the guilt on the faces sometimes. SO SAD

Problem 3: Nobody visits the schools anymore. Though I hated it, my father would do RANDOM ass checks in my school to see if I was there and if I was passing. I would never know until I got home and see that my mother has some kind of report on me. Though I was never a bad kid, it helped to know that one slip up and all hell could break lose. These parents just let their kids go, no matter what they doing, or how they look. Half the high school population is failing because these PARENTS don't care.

It's time that parents young and old start acting like ADULTS. Our next generation of children need REAL Role models, not the likes of scantly dressed women and hood ass men. Stop trying to birth and raise athletes and "Super stars" and start raising little lawyers and doctors. The impression of a child starts at birth, they pick up everything up until age 5. After that, you are really cutting it close.

Life

I'M IN NEED OF A MIRACLE!!!!!!

I have to take 4 exams to test out of these last courses so I can graduate by my birthday. Problem 1: these exams are $77 each. To top that off, I need to take them before the end of the month before the price goes up to $80. Problem 2: I haven't taken these courses since like forever, and each study guide is 10 bucks. So not only do I have to pay about 310 dollars for this exam, I have to spend an extra $40 to study for them. Some body PLEASE HELP.

Next up: The CPA... which I plan to take as soon as I graduate.. Give me strength because I know of no one who didn't take that exam more than twice without passing it. I swear, I don't know about this accounting stuff.

On a Happier Note:

I am having a great time with posting pictures of my shoes. By the way, I have yet to open any boxes, deplete what is under my bed, or in my shoe bin. This might go on for some time, unless I just get tired of taking pics of all my shoes. I really don't have as many shoes as I used to, contrary to *SOME*.

I am looking forward to CONCLAVE. The competition will be great as we have*BATTLE OF THE BODIES* in the Ms. PNK pageant. All funds and proceeds will go towards the education fund. Please support the cause and help one of us ladies win the crown.

How should I know

You ever just sit and think... Last night, I was feeling some kind of way. I don't know what brought this on. After some long thought and cleaning out my bin, I came across some of the many happy notes I recieved. I read a few, and it made me smile on the inside. The many ways to be loved are amazing. Women expect the world, all kinds of trinkets to be shown some kind of affection. A Real Woman, just want to feel appreciated nothing more. Its the small things in life that makes life woth anything. These small notes are what makes being in love a thing of bliss.

I see you...

This morning I woke up, looked in the mirror and my reflection looked back at me. That's all I would expect from it. I wash and dress and put on my hoodie to walk out the door and I see you. Lil Tray, categorized, suspicious, casted out just like the rest. We have all fallen victim to this one way or the other. We walk in a store, and seem to be the only ones being followed. We walk in a restaurant and seem to always be seated by the bathroom or kitchen. Here, we can't catch a cab, unless my skirt is too short until they see my fiance and get mad that they stopped. Someone just spit on the ground next to me, but I got the ticket. I can go on and on about this.

I see you, the elephant in the room, big as day. Looking for a way out, though the exit is not big enough for him to fit. Here we are in the 21st century and we haven't moved an inch since slavery. I mean, we have lil gay white boy on survivor who openly admits his only black contact is his maid!!! Go figure. Can someone please let the elephant out the dayum door, at least let him go do his business and come back. Am I going to be racially profiled every time I leave my house. I tend to look a little mannish in my hoodie and sweats. But on a better note: the sales of skittles and Arizona have skyrocketed. But we need not support the companies in hand, we need to support the family of this fallen young man.

WHY IS THIS HALF WAY, FAKE ASS COP STILL NOT ARRESTED???? Are we all forgetting that he was advised to leave this kid alone by the cops.... This is straight up murder!! Let it would have been the other way around.. well we know the ending to this. When will someone see ME and not the color of my skin?

What is this feeling?

What is this feeling?

You know when you automatically go into survival mode? Its a primal feeling, that need to instantaneously take care of someone. Is that the feeling that ever woman supposed to have? I will make a way out of none to ensure the happiness of the HER.

Guess what? If you missing this feeling, then I'm sorry to tell you that your love is not real. I will not down play any ones affection, but this is that unconditional, I will die without you kind of love. My instincts take over when I know she needs me. Ladies, this is what ya man, stud, whomever you want to be with is looking for.
If your hand is constantly out, looking for the next $100 to get ya hair done, nails or whatever, trust and believe you are nothing more than a just for now piece. They are most definitely looking past you and until you realize that, be content in your role.

50 Shades of Blue

There is this book craze called 50 Shades of Grey... It is complete S&M but there is a love story deep inside the words of the story. Everyone is looking for this perfect person that holds this amazing amount of control and the don't understand why. He achieves everything he wants and yet he is being controlled by the woman he falls in love with.

I for one am NOT looking for this perfect "Christian Grey". I have found my 50 Shades of Blue. This person comes in the form of a Woman who stopped me in my tracks. It started on the day, Sept. 25th, 2005. I walked in the room and there she was. Stuck in my tracks, I had to remember the reason I was there. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that she was who I wanted. Some time later we had a conversation where I confessed my interest in getting to know her. It was a beautiful train ride from a long day of community service. My love for this woman was there before I could admit to myself. I never came across a person that had complete control of my overall thoughts. I couldn't approach her in the ways I would others. In that moment, I knew that she was my challenge and I was meant to take her upon it.

I have become kaptivated by her Baby Blue Karisma, as we have been together for almost 5 years come April 2nd. That is 1,827 days of being with one person. I plan on thousands more as we spend the rest of our lives together.

Do you have the money in your purse.

I know that we as women and men like to have nice things. But do you ever wonder why those with the billions wear Wranglers? Look at the example of Steve Jobs. I'm pretty sure he had lavish things we didn't know about, but when we looked at him it was that same as Black sweater or shirt and the fucking blue jeans. Never in an expensive suit, or expensive shoes, just him. So I ask, how much do we really value the money we make?

I was a victim of crazy spending, to the point where some are used to it. Being unemployed made me do a 360 degree turn. I refuse to have $2,000 shopping sprees on just panties. I even know what the world sale means now!! *bbm shock face* Females walking around with what used to be statement pieces to show off their wealth and bitches are completely broke. Louis Vuitton bags and pinching pennies, eating cup of noodle soup for lunch. Paying half of their phone bill, cable and rent just to afford the next pair of Red Bottoms that Kim K. had on. How much money are you actually holding in this $600-1,200 bag? If you can only count the metrocard and change, then its time to rethink your principles.

I am not saying that you can not treat yourself to something nice and expensive once in a while, but who are you keeping up with? Can you hold a conversation outside of fashion? Do I really need to hear that you want Gucci shorts to sleep in? I don't think so. Keep count of your dollars before you make your next purchase. Keeping up with the Jones's only makes you Broke. Leave the high life to those who are living it. Remember Kanye, Jay Z, Beyonce, Kim K. are not paying off your debt.

Are we still Color Blind in 2012

Here we are in 2012 and I hear of a tweet: "I will fuck a nigga before I date a dark skin chick". Really? Mind you, he is about 5'6, DARK SKIN with locs and ugly to my standards. Really I said, what fine ass CHOCOLATE SISTER will fuck with you anyway. So do I dare ask the question. Are we still color blind?

Being one of my Chocolate nature and thick as hell to boot, I often here the following phrases: "hey chocolate", "you sexy to be dark skin", "you have nice white teeth". I can go on and on for days about this. What does this say to me? Nothing because I take absolutely no offense. But here is where it gets tricky. "You are the first dark skin chick I dated", I don't usually date dark skin girls, but for you I make an exception", "oh thank you Vicky, because now I only like dark skin girls".. Whaaaaaaaaaa... Fuck off. The world only seems to be intrigued with LIGHT SKIN BITCHES WITH LONG HAIR!!!!!! I have heard this preference for forever and a day. So what do we as Chocolate girls do, we go from natural to permed hair, long weaves and bright lips just to get noticed. I refuse.. I FUCKING REFUSE. THAT IS NOT THE EPITOME OF SEXY.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING DOWN GRADED BECAUSE THE BITCH NEXT TO ME IS LIGHT SKIN. HER COMPLEXTION DOES NOT MAKE HER PRETTY. But please if you are looking for some token bitch, by all means bypass me and chose her. I am not a token, trophy or anything of that matter. I am a WOMAN, and all that it entails. Nor will I be a second choice. So many men and women are walking around with TOKENS and coming to bed with Chocolate.

Lets talk double standard. Black men dating white or other race women, and when a Black woman goes outside of the race its totally wrong. And the first thing out the mouth of a man, Black women have to much attitude!! Lets be clear, BLACK WOMEN ARE NOT SUBMISSIVE. We will not keep putting up with your shit, so you go find those who you can control. A Black woman's complaint about Black men dating outside the race: we are not the TOKEN females they want.

I will not apologize for my attitude, the extra sashay in my walk or the slang in my talk. If you can't handle it, then its a sign that I DON'T need you. A message to those, KEEP LOOKING FOR THEM TOKEN FEMALES, because at the end of the day, We are without Question African American. You have to check the same box on that application as I do, no matter what your complextion is.

The Company INK

Everyone has tried to write with the company's ink. Some have even dipped into it. But what does it really cause. You gain the headaches of those who still see the ink on their pages, even after it has faded. You get looks after everyone has found out you shared the same pen. So why bother, BRING YOUR OWN PENS TO WORK.

I brought my own pen, borrowed a few and gave them back. I don't like to write the same way every day. My pen is full of ambition, colorful and above all, its All MINE. Imagine trying to borrow some one's straw and say here, I'm going to give it back when I'm done".. EWWWWW

Remember, "at the end of the day" *inside joke* we have to show up everyday and look at that ink on the post-it. Pick your Company's Pen wisely and keep the same one. And when it RUNS out of ink, discard carefully, because they ban be refilled!!

LMFBAO

Its 2012

Its only day eleven in 2012 and already I feel as if life is changing. I'm looking forward to all of my travels, seeing my family and PHamily and looking forward to a greater year with the love of my life. Before the year ended, I decided to go natural. Day 4 of 2012 I chopped the remaining perm out of my head. I am in love with my Angela Davis baby fro look. Soon It will be the size of Angie and with my black fist pick, I will shout: "YEAH BITCHES THIS MY HAIR"

I hate females who walking around claiming their natural with an Afro wig on. Then going to have the nerve to pass out hair information and updates. I am putting forth the effort to grow out my type 4A hair!! If you find that you have a problem with natural women, then go suck a dick. Cuz I can officially claim I am all natural, from head to toe. Down to my nails which I am growing out, may need to be cut though.

What are your plans for 2012? My next goal is to finally buckle down and get my drivers license. I really don't want to drive, but the Studzband is making it a must. I just want to be in the car with matching heels. Nothing more, nothing less. As we are making our way through this year, don't make any fucking resolutions you are not going to stick to, but set monthly goals and achieve them.

Today 1000 years ago

In my journey of happiness, I have come across many things that makes me smile. But nothing like today. We were only together 1 year and 8 months, but it felt like an eternity. We made a world full of memories within this time. The conversation that seemed endless, to the silent moments of bliss. Now here we are 3 years later in the same spot.. Being this happy, on windorphins all the time.

In my world, she puts up with my mood swings, my sometimes emotionless thoughts and my empty feelings. But in return she know that I will shower her with tears of joy. I may even be reffered to as a "Bitch" but she probably will never say that to me, even when I most deserve it. I live with not seeing her for days at a time, the sole conversations before she sleeps, and all the days when something is wrong, but she would rather not say.

Relationships go through their ups and downs, but ours always come full circle. Every day of every year from this day forward always ends like this:

SKIT: SO i'm you wanna play hangman???
YOU: ummm...i guess
ME: ok, so... go...
YOU: H
ME: *OH damn here we go....* DRAWS CIRCLE
... YOU: S
ME: *you gotta be kidding me...look it is not enuff
YOU: R
BLAH BLAH>..
YOU: Does that say.......

I would say yes to anything this woMan says to me, but this one and the one that will follow will always mean the most...

Happy engagement anniversary!!

 

Holiday Crash

You ever realize that Christmas is the worst fucking holiday of the year? Your wallet is empty and you never get what the fuck you really want for Christmas. Just blah the dayum shyt. Can we just by pass this day as if it never freaking happened. Out within the hoards of people, nothing you want is in the store. They lure you in with sales to realize the shyt you really want is never on sale!! Ugg this fucking holiday. Have you ever looked up the roots of Kwanzaa? Just another crock of shyt they came up for us to so call celebrate. The only African heritage to it is the name its self. What a fucking crock of shyt. I am just waiting for this holiday to pass, replenish my pockets for them to be broke again!! That is all...

Dedication

I looked, I learned, and sometimes I listen. I wake, I sleep and sometimes I fell something is missing. I reach, I feel and then remember you are missing. I lived a long 28 years, 7 of them were horrible. 3 of them were just shyt. But these last 4 years have been nothing but complete bliss. I dedicate my happiness, my heart, mind, body, SouL and spirit to you. I have been a SurvivoR of your love and continue to carry it with me. On my sleeve for everyone to see. In my thoughts, in my heart, in the depths of me. Walking, talking, breathing has been made easier and I thank you most for it.

Love is a wonderful feeling. Not everyone can experience what I have, and not everyone will. But this love can exist for whomever is looking to find it. Don't look to hard, but don't hide in the shadows either. I don't just love being in love. I love the feeling of BEING LOVED in return. My thoughts, opinion, my life finally matters to someone other than me. THEN!!! to find someone who will cherish it, makes living, laughing and loving all the better. To explain my love for her, I will need to have my heart removed, my thoughts intercepted because there are no words. She is my air, my every movement, with each blink something will remind me of her. Some say it is crazy to love someone this much. But I say you are crazy if you can't. My best friend, my angel, LogiK.. Sometimes I wonder if I can love her more than I already do. Then she answers me with small gestures.

A lot of women are missing out on their true happiness because they settled for Fool's Gold. I'm not going to rub it in, but.... If your mate is not showing up after work to listen after you had a long day, then you are missing it. If you are not receiving just because I though of you chocolate, then you are missing it. No matter how stressful their day is, if your mate is not smiling when they see you, you are definitely missing it. I am encouraging you to go and find everything you are missing in life. Because I can assure you, I have found MINE.

They will never understand

This is nothing but a rant against all of those who think females like Kim K, and Beyonce are what it means to be curvy. First of all, women with curves have long been around since the beginning of time. This shyt was not invented just last year. Who said that we where made popular, like some kind of fucking fashion statement. I have nothing against these ladies but umm NOOOO!! You are really not curvacious at all. You may have shape for your size, But they dayum sure have a team of people working on them to get that way. If you feel offended, then too fucking bad! I know plenty of females with shapes who never get the play they deserve. If you think the likes of these women are curvy, then what is Raven Simone, fat? Cuz I be damn if my size 38- 31- 43 is what I consider fat. I am all curves, all day. Everyone surrounding me is curves all day. So here is to us!!! At the end of the day, my curves are what keep ya men, and women looking at me. POINT BLANK!!!

Now that that's out of the way. You know why we as black women are never considered in the curvy section? It is because we are the one's filling out applications for ass magazines. Yes they make money, and I am not knocking it. But, when it comes to us, our curves are only recognize in videos. I'm not trying to be no one's video vixen, or on the cover of XXL as the next up and coming. Though I have been approached on many occasions. Its tacky as hell, and to think my family are full of men who read those smut mags in the first place. Everyone wanted to be Miss Toi from the I like the way you move video, but in actuality, women with curves never have to try so hard.

So here I am, 5'7, CHOCOLATE and CURVY.. NO I WILL NOT BLEACH MY SKIN TO FIT IN YOUR "VISION". I WILL NOT BECOME A SIZE SIX AND CALL MYSELF STACKED!! I AM A FUCKING STALLION, AND THAT'S THE IT SHOULD BE

Sneaky

You ever realize how sneaky females are? The thought just came to me today out of nowhere. As random as it was, I thought about it for a few seconds. Sneaky females come in all shapes and sizes. It starts from birth. We grew up being daddy's little girls. Why? Because we melt their hearts always. With our mothers, we couldn't because we share the same anatomy. Born with the gift to get any man to do what we want. So it always works. In our youth, we prefect it, cry to our male figures and show attitude to the female ones. By teenagers, we are cussing out our mothers. Dating everyone we know they will hate, just to prove that we could. Talk our fathers out of their pockets. When the relationship goes sour, we run to daddy to get the ex-boyfriend killed.

We get older and realize we are no longer in competition with our mother. She was trying to show us the ropes the whole time, but we needed our own space to grow so we never listen. Lets take this another way. You ever watch your friends and the other females around you and say: you a sneaky bitch? You trust your mate so you introduce them to your friends to only catch that bitch giving him/her the side eye. But you don't act a fool, you watch because you think its funny, and you want to know if your mate caught on. Guess what? They did, but its up to them to bring it up to you. If so, you have a good one. If not, watch their ass because they are fucking sneaky too.

Women have this think called women's intuition. We don't always use it, but it is there. Something ever just hit you out of the blue and you think hmmm, let me check this shit out? Always listen and watch for the signs because they are there. Just remember whether you are dating a man or a woman, Females are fucking Sneaky. If you are a lesbian, you know women can get away with cheating easily than a man. We are harder to catch, so pay attention more!! Make sure your partner knows you are crazy upfront, this way there will be no surprise when you out to kill. #imjustsaying

A new day

Everyone needs a new beginning. I am starting mine. Well I started it like 4 days ago. Sometimes we get into a place where things just stop. We become systematic with our movements even down to the way we eat. Every morning my alarm goes off at 6:15, I get out the bed at 7:30 and leave the house by 8:05. When life becomes routine it can tend to be very boring. What are you to do? How do you shake things up while still getting things done?

First step, my hair. No more perms, just curls, natural naps and flowers. I’m sick of perming my hair, going to get it washed, and then 2 days later I am flat ironing it. Sick of jeans and sneakers. Wearing pink and orange and making that shyt work. Tired of all the neutrals and the red with blues. My only constant is PURPLE.

Second step, I need new scenery. So now I am off to Atlanta to see how it goes down there. I feel like I need to try new foods, new people, just new everything. The same conversations, the same people, the same problems everyday really are stressful. Today I want to be stress free. Freedom is what we fight for everyday, yet I am trapped in this world, in my house, at my job until change comes. Since I have to work, and live, I must find freedom in other ways.

Third step, I have one constant that will remain the same. That is YOU. With my one constant must come changes as well. So I need new shoes, a new outfit and a new persona to make sure even my constant has changes within. With a new beginning, comes a better ending. Frankly that’s what everyone is looking for.

Happiness is Key to a Lovely Life. Make the most of it!!!

Sex 101

Would you really opt out of sex ed class for you children? Why parents feel like they have a choice in the matter? At the end of the day, your kid is out there sucking dick and guess what, it is not your choice. Why not arm them with the armor they need to protect themselves. At least giving them the harsh reality may derail them some from making their own choices. I didn't have sex ed until I reached college. Shyt by then, all my friends had babies, giving their own classes on how to fuck. These things should always be available. So to say they are going to far teaching about anal? Do they realize these little girls are having anal just so they can prove to their mothers that they are still virgins vaginally? How naive the Parents are for thinking this. Now if they only gave the truth about what drugs do to you at the tender age of 5, we might not have a world full of crack heads.