Today 1000 years ago

In my journey of happiness, I have come across many things that makes me smile. But nothing like today. We were only together 1 year and 8 months, but it felt like an eternity. We made a world full of memories within this time. The conversation that seemed endless, to the silent moments of bliss. Now here we are 3 years later in the same spot.. Being this happy, on windorphins all the time.

In my world, she puts up with my mood swings, my sometimes emotionless thoughts and my empty feelings. But in return she know that I will shower her with tears of joy. I may even be reffered to as a "Bitch" but she probably will never say that to me, even when I most deserve it. I live with not seeing her for days at a time, the sole conversations before she sleeps, and all the days when something is wrong, but she would rather not say.

Relationships go through their ups and downs, but ours always come full circle. Every day of every year from this day forward always ends like this:

SKIT: SO i'm you wanna play hangman???
YOU: ummm...i guess
ME: ok, so... go...
YOU: H
ME: *OH damn here we go....* DRAWS CIRCLE
... YOU: S
ME: *you gotta be kidding me...look it is not enuff
YOU: R
BLAH BLAH>..
YOU: Does that say.......

I would say yes to anything this woMan says to me, but this one and the one that will follow will always mean the most...

Happy engagement anniversary!!

 

Holiday Crash

You ever realize that Christmas is the worst fucking holiday of the year? Your wallet is empty and you never get what the fuck you really want for Christmas. Just blah the dayum shyt. Can we just by pass this day as if it never freaking happened. Out within the hoards of people, nothing you want is in the store. They lure you in with sales to realize the shyt you really want is never on sale!! Ugg this fucking holiday. Have you ever looked up the roots of Kwanzaa? Just another crock of shyt they came up for us to so call celebrate. The only African heritage to it is the name its self. What a fucking crock of shyt. I am just waiting for this holiday to pass, replenish my pockets for them to be broke again!! That is all...

Dedication

I looked, I learned, and sometimes I listen. I wake, I sleep and sometimes I fell something is missing. I reach, I feel and then remember you are missing. I lived a long 28 years, 7 of them were horrible. 3 of them were just shyt. But these last 4 years have been nothing but complete bliss. I dedicate my happiness, my heart, mind, body, SouL and spirit to you. I have been a SurvivoR of your love and continue to carry it with me. On my sleeve for everyone to see. In my thoughts, in my heart, in the depths of me. Walking, talking, breathing has been made easier and I thank you most for it.

Love is a wonderful feeling. Not everyone can experience what I have, and not everyone will. But this love can exist for whomever is looking to find it. Don't look to hard, but don't hide in the shadows either. I don't just love being in love. I love the feeling of BEING LOVED in return. My thoughts, opinion, my life finally matters to someone other than me. THEN!!! to find someone who will cherish it, makes living, laughing and loving all the better. To explain my love for her, I will need to have my heart removed, my thoughts intercepted because there are no words. She is my air, my every movement, with each blink something will remind me of her. Some say it is crazy to love someone this much. But I say you are crazy if you can't. My best friend, my angel, LogiK.. Sometimes I wonder if I can love her more than I already do. Then she answers me with small gestures.

A lot of women are missing out on their true happiness because they settled for Fool's Gold. I'm not going to rub it in, but.... If your mate is not showing up after work to listen after you had a long day, then you are missing it. If you are not receiving just because I though of you chocolate, then you are missing it. No matter how stressful their day is, if your mate is not smiling when they see you, you are definitely missing it. I am encouraging you to go and find everything you are missing in life. Because I can assure you, I have found MINE.

They will never understand

This is nothing but a rant against all of those who think females like Kim K, and Beyonce are what it means to be curvy. First of all, women with curves have long been around since the beginning of time. This shyt was not invented just last year. Who said that we where made popular, like some kind of fucking fashion statement. I have nothing against these ladies but umm NOOOO!! You are really not curvacious at all. You may have shape for your size, But they dayum sure have a team of people working on them to get that way. If you feel offended, then too fucking bad! I know plenty of females with shapes who never get the play they deserve. If you think the likes of these women are curvy, then what is Raven Simone, fat? Cuz I be damn if my size 38- 31- 43 is what I consider fat. I am all curves, all day. Everyone surrounding me is curves all day. So here is to us!!! At the end of the day, my curves are what keep ya men, and women looking at me. POINT BLANK!!!

Now that that's out of the way. You know why we as black women are never considered in the curvy section? It is because we are the one's filling out applications for ass magazines. Yes they make money, and I am not knocking it. But, when it comes to us, our curves are only recognize in videos. I'm not trying to be no one's video vixen, or on the cover of XXL as the next up and coming. Though I have been approached on many occasions. Its tacky as hell, and to think my family are full of men who read those smut mags in the first place. Everyone wanted to be Miss Toi from the I like the way you move video, but in actuality, women with curves never have to try so hard.

So here I am, 5'7, CHOCOLATE and CURVY.. NO I WILL NOT BLEACH MY SKIN TO FIT IN YOUR "VISION". I WILL NOT BECOME A SIZE SIX AND CALL MYSELF STACKED!! I AM A FUCKING STALLION, AND THAT'S THE IT SHOULD BE

Sneaky

You ever realize how sneaky females are? The thought just came to me today out of nowhere. As random as it was, I thought about it for a few seconds. Sneaky females come in all shapes and sizes. It starts from birth. We grew up being daddy's little girls. Why? Because we melt their hearts always. With our mothers, we couldn't because we share the same anatomy. Born with the gift to get any man to do what we want. So it always works. In our youth, we prefect it, cry to our male figures and show attitude to the female ones. By teenagers, we are cussing out our mothers. Dating everyone we know they will hate, just to prove that we could. Talk our fathers out of their pockets. When the relationship goes sour, we run to daddy to get the ex-boyfriend killed.

We get older and realize we are no longer in competition with our mother. She was trying to show us the ropes the whole time, but we needed our own space to grow so we never listen. Lets take this another way. You ever watch your friends and the other females around you and say: you a sneaky bitch? You trust your mate so you introduce them to your friends to only catch that bitch giving him/her the side eye. But you don't act a fool, you watch because you think its funny, and you want to know if your mate caught on. Guess what? They did, but its up to them to bring it up to you. If so, you have a good one. If not, watch their ass because they are fucking sneaky too.

Women have this think called women's intuition. We don't always use it, but it is there. Something ever just hit you out of the blue and you think hmmm, let me check this shit out? Always listen and watch for the signs because they are there. Just remember whether you are dating a man or a woman, Females are fucking Sneaky. If you are a lesbian, you know women can get away with cheating easily than a man. We are harder to catch, so pay attention more!! Make sure your partner knows you are crazy upfront, this way there will be no surprise when you out to kill. #imjustsaying

A new day

Everyone needs a new beginning. I am starting mine. Well I started it like 4 days ago. Sometimes we get into a place where things just stop. We become systematic with our movements even down to the way we eat. Every morning my alarm goes off at 6:15, I get out the bed at 7:30 and leave the house by 8:05. When life becomes routine it can tend to be very boring. What are you to do? How do you shake things up while still getting things done?

First step, my hair. No more perms, just curls, natural naps and flowers. I’m sick of perming my hair, going to get it washed, and then 2 days later I am flat ironing it. Sick of jeans and sneakers. Wearing pink and orange and making that shyt work. Tired of all the neutrals and the red with blues. My only constant is PURPLE.

Second step, I need new scenery. So now I am off to Atlanta to see how it goes down there. I feel like I need to try new foods, new people, just new everything. The same conversations, the same people, the same problems everyday really are stressful. Today I want to be stress free. Freedom is what we fight for everyday, yet I am trapped in this world, in my house, at my job until change comes. Since I have to work, and live, I must find freedom in other ways.

Third step, I have one constant that will remain the same. That is YOU. With my one constant must come changes as well. So I need new shoes, a new outfit and a new persona to make sure even my constant has changes within. With a new beginning, comes a better ending. Frankly that’s what everyone is looking for.

Happiness is Key to a Lovely Life. Make the most of it!!!

Sex 101

Would you really opt out of sex ed class for you children? Why parents feel like they have a choice in the matter? At the end of the day, your kid is out there sucking dick and guess what, it is not your choice. Why not arm them with the armor they need to protect themselves. At least giving them the harsh reality may derail them some from making their own choices. I didn't have sex ed until I reached college. Shyt by then, all my friends had babies, giving their own classes on how to fuck. These things should always be available. So to say they are going to far teaching about anal? Do they realize these little girls are having anal just so they can prove to their mothers that they are still virgins vaginally? How naive the Parents are for thinking this. Now if they only gave the truth about what drugs do to you at the tender age of 5, we might not have a world full of crack heads.

What is the deal?

A string of rapes and sexual assaults have taken over the mean streets of Brooklyn and the soft streets of Queens. I can not understand for the life of me why these guys have not been caught. Better yet why are these females still walking the same blocks the rapist are camping on? I will never blame the victim of a rape to say it is there fault, but is there no alternate route to walk? I blame the Blackberry's and iPhones to the problems of women not being aware of their surroundings. When I return home in the late hours, mind you from the train station is a two block radius or the bus is down the block from my building, my headphones are off. Walking, you can feel when somebody is following you before you hear them coming. Me, every three seconds I look behind my shoulders, and both sides to make sure I am OK. Now for homeboy jumping out the bushes, he not jumping when you get there, its either before or after. NYC bushes have way to much trash for you not to hear the movement.

There was a time in life where women used to walk with knives bigger than some guys penises. Can we bring that back? Or maybe that was just me. Now to address this other kind of rapist. Apparently, he is walking up to females and out right letting them know he is gonna rape them. Can you imagine some dude, saying: Hey, what's your name? Oh well I am gonna rape you know so don't bother screaming or I will kill you.. WTF id that? Showing some kind of object impression is not going to scare me. He could have been pointing a straw thru his pocket. There is no fucking way I'm just gonna let you rape me!!!!!!!!!!! Stab me, because we are about to brawl. Is there no fight left in the women of this world. Did the fight end with the so called women's rights. *that we really don't have, but that's another blog*

Somebody let me know please!!

On One

How many of you have taken an illicit drug to relieve the pain? Not weed because that's just a mess. I mean who can admit being addicted to codeine, vicodine, perks, all those pill popping drugs that makes you feel on cloud 11? I love to feel like I am on windorphins. Windorphins is that natural high you get from being extremely happy in your life. But now I need more potent ways to reach that level. So what is one to do? I remember there was a time when I used to try and drink my problems away. Do I chose between no liver or no stomach lining? This is in no means of an intervention, no I don't need help, I am not on any of these medications. But my question is, how do you reach for the happiness you once knew?

I would so like to be ON ONE right now. I have never and will ever take an Ecstasy pill. But something close to it will help out dramatically. I am just tired, stressed and almost ready to start anew with this life of mine. You ever just get to a point where you wanna say fuck it? No progress to report, just back pedals and bullshit? The feeling of unloved and under appreciated by everyone you know? Or is that always a story someone plays in their head to have an excuse to be unhappy? I say fuck it, I'm ON ONE!!! Right now, my room is spinning, I see purple elephants and I almost forgot what to day is.

Should I go find a coloring book and let my frustrations off through there? I might just color the pages black and red. Today "Hip Hop Can not Save My Life". I am far beyond music saving my soul, I am in search of a higher power. If I told you I spoke to my teddy bear, will that sound crazy? Maybe I speak to him because he doesn't speak back. I don't need an opinion just someone to listen to me, no judgment zone like planet fitness. My teddy bear provides the perfect ear, and mo matter what I say, he nod and understands because right now the world don't. No one is a mind reader, and Libras has this way of keeping all kids of shyt to themselves until the brink of explosion. I wonder will you still be standing after the smoke clears?

Can You Tell

On my way to sleep, I hear on the news that there is a new app that is supposed to help reveal if your son is gay. A series of questions that are clearly stereotypical of what defines a gay man. It just adds more fuel to the fire of never being excepted by friends, family and the community. What really burns my biscuits is not that the app has been created, but such the ignorance that was put out to create it. Are parents supposed to believe what this app states? Its no different than the survey questions we take on facebook about what celebrity we most favor. As entertaining as that may be, this new app comes off as very offensive.

No I know nothing about being a Gay man, I do no a little about being a Lesbian woman. And I ask, what does she look like? Men try and talk to me, hold conversations with me and as soon as I reveal my sexual orientation... Boom: You don't look like a lesbian!! Really, what the fuck does one look like. To the surprise of the world, we all do not walk around with low cuts, baggy jeans and fitteds, or as the straight world would call us, "dykes". Who came up with this definition. But in the end I use my favorite quote: "its not what you believe but what you perceive". Life is clearly about perception and no matter the end result, the constitute lesbianism with our clothing choices.

Today I had an experience. I see a group of Lesbians standing around talking amongst each other. They look at me as I walk by. Today just so happen that I don't have music in my ears so I can hear the world. Talking, I over hear one of them say: "Oh she probably straight. Like to take dick." I laughed because i thought that it was hysterical that she could pass such a judgement on me. Her lack of confidence in her Lesbianism showed me that she only looks for the self proclaimed rainbow fems that walk the streets everyday. Now don't get me wrong, I wear my fair share of rainbow through out the pride months. But when the summer ends, my proclaimed gayness has been put away, I hide nothing from no one but I don't have a point to prove. In response to her ignorance in passing judgement, I reply: "I will be sure to pass that message along to my chick the next time I'm fucking HER". Stunned in the face, I just walk away in amusement.

A lesson in life, never judge a book by its cover, especially if it is RAINBOW!! Life makes it so you can have a conversation with a person, before you can form an opinion. Maybe if parents, family and community held conversations with their kids, bullying and suicide of the LGBT community may not exist.

Special

Today I am dedicating this to you. You know who you are. Standing in the mirror, looking at yourself and saying I hate this look. Your hair may never seem right, your weight seems a little much for you, your skin complexion to dark or to light. Confidence low, and you can not understand for the life of you why.

Take this moment to think and ask your self: what is you definition of beauty? It could be anything that you wish it to be. The rock on the ground, the colors in your room, your kids, family, but make sure after you define it, YOU are in this definition. We always find something to critisize about ourselves. Me, I do all the time but I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. When I feel sexy, I look the part even if I am in jeans and timbs. If I feel like crap, I wear it proudly. Confidence is not a feeling, it can be warn like a scarf around your neck, or kicked by your feet down the street. You know what keeps me going: HER!! I am lucky enough to have this person in my ear who always lets me know that I am worth MY Sexy.

So you, standing in the mirror, know that I am right behind you. Telling you that you are BEAUTIFUL. Light skinned with long hair, dark skinned with natural hair, short and shapely, tall and skinny. No matter you shape, your mommy curves, stretch marks and all, there will be someone out there who loves you just for you. And if they are not, just look to me and remember confidence is warn not felt. 

It's My Birthday

Hello World. Today makes 28 years of my existence. I must say that I have been through alot in these 28 years. My saying at work is "Life can't be that hard". And you know what, its not. I have so many things to be thankful for that my small struggles are minimum. I am loved by so many, even hated by a few!! I am surrounded by good people, I have my health and most of my mental sanity. I am engaged to a beautiful woMan and I am continuously falling in love with her. I may never be as emotional as she hopes, may never embrace my true feminine side, but I know what I have and am afraid to lose it all.

Thanking everyone for my birthday wishes as I spend this day relaxing and trying to keep my B average in school. Peace and love .

ME

Ask but Don't Tell

Today I dedicate my blog to all of those who have been released from the so called shackles of the military. The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy has been lifted. But are we really relieved? Did it matter that a lesbian woman or a gay man fighting on the behalf of you, or were they only just man and woman?? The things that need to have some kind of thought process before the mouths of the ignorant open. If it were so easy, a cave man could do it, then why are they out there and not you?

The safety of the LGBT in the military has always been in question. It's almost like being in prison. Men surrounded by men all day and night for years, no home visits, off across the land, what do you really think is going on? To smell a Gay man in the military must be a dog sense, because it happens and every man looking for some action done bent his Gay ass over. Then will turn to the next man and say, "oh but I am not gay"!!! There is not enough mastubation to in the world without wanting to feel something tight and warm, so what is left when the only person next to you is a man you know is gay, can't expose himself or he will be thrown out.

So is it right for all those abused to charge their abuser with some sort of rape, blackmail or something. Lets look at this from the feminine perspective. Lesbians come in all shapes forms and sizes. Looking at me you would never guess that I am a LESBIAN!! So is it wrong to hide behind the curtains because you never know which female is looking at you in the shower? Sergants in full relationships with their unit, and have to live day by day without any affection. How are they supposed to live?

Be that as it may, it was never about don't ask, don't tell. They already knew, so there was no need for the question. It was how are we going to keep the next gay person's identity a secret. Now that you have outed half of our military unit, what will be next? How about marriage equality across the nation!!

Women and the state of sports

Now I don't follow to much about sports, but I do love me some football. Looking at the lockout on basketball, it seems that we will be waiting for quite some time. So my question to you is, aren't we all in a recession? Why are these organizations on lockout with these teams, players and they are already millionaires? If you are not living off of last year $100,000 contract then you need a new accountant. There is no freaking way that we should be at this stand still.

Lets take it a step further, why women's basketball is only aired in the summer time? Why do they only play 30 games per season? Here we are, fought for the right to be held amongst the ranks of men, and yet we are still not of equal standards. The price for a women's game is $30 while the price of the men's game ranges from $75-500. How unfair is this? Or better yet, why are we only recognized playing football in our dayum panties? These women play harder, through all of their injuries than men, yet we are not seriously taken. There is barely any pay and for what, some guys penis to get hard while he watches us play?

I'm so over the feminist that still exist in this country. No matter how close we get to a female president, she will always be beaten by the man beside her. How long will it be before we actually get the equality that we deserve?

That's the million dollar question!!