This shyt here

Wrapped up full of emotions, staring at my phone like seriously... Did you just say that? Is this really us? Wiping away tears before the questions come. I guess this is where we are. Caught between a rock and a soft place, not knowing which way to fall. I am very well cushioned on one side, but that hard place is calling my name. I am not supposed to feel like this... But neither are you.... It never really ends, it was never supposed to be that way... But we can't be. I owe you no explanation, but in the end you deserve one. I just need you to listen to me. But you already thought for me.. Now I am walking away like..... Did you just say that? Of course there were my own words, reciprocated back to me as they were said repeatedly as I dealt with the demon that was placed inside of me. I have been placed in some awkward positions, including that new shyt from last night, but now I am in the worst of them all...... Looking down and then looking up, my decision was made before this began..... Because I can't but you can, tho I know you really can't either. I am accepting it.. Its officially over....


Signed a broken heart.

Weak

I had one of the most unexpecting moments in my life this past weekend. You know somethings in life can really break a chick down. I really personified my mother to the T!!! Looking at my baby on that hospital bed, drugged up and immobile killed me. I must say I was scared shitless, but we both cant be looking all crazy. So I had to put my strentth to the test, and watch, listen and wait for her to wake up and see me. I could've almost used a drink paired with one of them great pills that she recieved, but I am so passed that. What good would I have been passed out while she was in pain. My weekend was filled with handing out pills, retrieving water and watching her sleep until I fell alseep. You know that motherly instinct that you get when you sleep when the baby does, yea that was me except in Fiance form.

I am so happy to say that my relief has come and another goal has been reached during our journey. Soon I will be watching her play basketball once again. But the worry is far from over.. NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING A COPS WIFE.. But hey, if I must.. I just want my weapon liscence.

Black HOODIE MUSIC

Someone please bring back that BLACK HOODIE MUSIC!!! The classic freestyle cyphers, the battle raps when music was real. I mean the EMINEM Cypher music. Even though he may have been the only one that actually freestyle. I give credit to my ex-boyfriend who taught me how to point out a written rhyme. Nothing wrong with writing our ya so called freestyles when they apply to the matter at hand. Don't come up and freestyle about some shyt that came from three different tracks. No I didn't physically watch the niggaisms of the BET HIP HOP AWARDS, but I did watch Facebook and Twitter as I was fully updated.

What makes a freestyle a freestyle? No its not just about witty punch lines, its about how quick you are with the lyrics. You don't leave your house already knowing you are going to get robbed? How dare you come to a freestyle cypher with a written rhyme? The disrespect of these people who can not freestyle!!! UPSETS ME AND I AM NOT EVEN AN ARTIST!!! Who do I need to talk to to bring back such a respected part of the game. When will Commercial Rap end and HIP HOP return??

Silly Parents, Kids need ADULTS

I may have come across the worst parents in history. This new generation of Mothers and Fathers really Fucking Suck!!! Not to say that our parents were the greatest, but less bull was done and more things were accomplished.

Problem 1: In the street, at no time should your kids be walking or lagging behind you. I distinctively remember my mother saying: "Keep ya ass in front to me at all times. I need to see you" What happen to those days? The other day, this mother was laking with her two friends and her daughter. The little girl was about 5 tops. Where is she? Kicking some dayum bottle while the mother is laughing and giggling 2 feet in front of her. What she does? Turns around and yells at the little girl. In those second, that little girl could have been taken or worst.

Problem 2: These parents don't care about the where abouts anymore. I had a midnight curfew all the way up until I was 21 and then it extended to 2am. NOW!!! these little bastards in the streets all kinds of hours in the night. Watching the sunrise like there is no school in the morning. Then when you hear these youngsters kidnapped and killed, the parents are sobbing and pointing blame. Sometimes you need to blame yourself for not being a more responsible parent. Then they on the side asking and praying why did this happen, oh how I can see the guilt on the faces sometimes. SO SAD

Problem 3: Nobody visits the schools anymore. Though I hated it, my father would do RANDOM ass checks in my school to see if I was there and if I was passing. I would never know until I got home and see that my mother has some kind of report on me. Though I was never a bad kid, it helped to know that one slip up and all hell could break lose. These parents just let their kids go, no matter what they doing, or how they look. Half the high school population is failing because these PARENTS don't care.

It's time that parents young and old start acting like ADULTS. Our next generation of children need REAL Role models, not the likes of scantly dressed women and hood ass men. Stop trying to birth and raise athletes and "Super stars" and start raising little lawyers and doctors. The impression of a child starts at birth, they pick up everything up until age 5. After that, you are really cutting it close.

Life

I'M IN NEED OF A MIRACLE!!!!!!

I have to take 4 exams to test out of these last courses so I can graduate by my birthday. Problem 1: these exams are $77 each. To top that off, I need to take them before the end of the month before the price goes up to $80. Problem 2: I haven't taken these courses since like forever, and each study guide is 10 bucks. So not only do I have to pay about 310 dollars for this exam, I have to spend an extra $40 to study for them. Some body PLEASE HELP.

Next up: The CPA... which I plan to take as soon as I graduate.. Give me strength because I know of no one who didn't take that exam more than twice without passing it. I swear, I don't know about this accounting stuff.

On a Happier Note:

I am having a great time with posting pictures of my shoes. By the way, I have yet to open any boxes, deplete what is under my bed, or in my shoe bin. This might go on for some time, unless I just get tired of taking pics of all my shoes. I really don't have as many shoes as I used to, contrary to *SOME*.

I am looking forward to CONCLAVE. The competition will be great as we have*BATTLE OF THE BODIES* in the Ms. PNK pageant. All funds and proceeds will go towards the education fund. Please support the cause and help one of us ladies win the crown.

How should I know

You ever just sit and think... Last night, I was feeling some kind of way. I don't know what brought this on. After some long thought and cleaning out my bin, I came across some of the many happy notes I recieved. I read a few, and it made me smile on the inside. The many ways to be loved are amazing. Women expect the world, all kinds of trinkets to be shown some kind of affection. A Real Woman, just want to feel appreciated nothing more. Its the small things in life that makes life woth anything. These small notes are what makes being in love a thing of bliss.

I see you...

This morning I woke up, looked in the mirror and my reflection looked back at me. That's all I would expect from it. I wash and dress and put on my hoodie to walk out the door and I see you. Lil Tray, categorized, suspicious, casted out just like the rest. We have all fallen victim to this one way or the other. We walk in a store, and seem to be the only ones being followed. We walk in a restaurant and seem to always be seated by the bathroom or kitchen. Here, we can't catch a cab, unless my skirt is too short until they see my fiance and get mad that they stopped. Someone just spit on the ground next to me, but I got the ticket. I can go on and on about this.

I see you, the elephant in the room, big as day. Looking for a way out, though the exit is not big enough for him to fit. Here we are in the 21st century and we haven't moved an inch since slavery. I mean, we have lil gay white boy on survivor who openly admits his only black contact is his maid!!! Go figure. Can someone please let the elephant out the dayum door, at least let him go do his business and come back. Am I going to be racially profiled every time I leave my house. I tend to look a little mannish in my hoodie and sweats. But on a better note: the sales of skittles and Arizona have skyrocketed. But we need not support the companies in hand, we need to support the family of this fallen young man.

WHY IS THIS HALF WAY, FAKE ASS COP STILL NOT ARRESTED???? Are we all forgetting that he was advised to leave this kid alone by the cops.... This is straight up murder!! Let it would have been the other way around.. well we know the ending to this. When will someone see ME and not the color of my skin?