Dedication

I looked, I learned, and sometimes I listen. I wake, I sleep and sometimes I fell something is missing. I reach, I feel and then remember you are missing. I lived a long 28 years, 7 of them were horrible. 3 of them were just shyt. But these last 4 years have been nothing but complete bliss. I dedicate my happiness, my heart, mind, body, SouL and spirit to you. I have been a SurvivoR of your love and continue to carry it with me. On my sleeve for everyone to see. In my thoughts, in my heart, in the depths of me. Walking, talking, breathing has been made easier and I thank you most for it.

Love is a wonderful feeling. Not everyone can experience what I have, and not everyone will. But this love can exist for whomever is looking to find it. Don't look to hard, but don't hide in the shadows either. I don't just love being in love. I love the feeling of BEING LOVED in return. My thoughts, opinion, my life finally matters to someone other than me. THEN!!! to find someone who will cherish it, makes living, laughing and loving all the better. To explain my love for her, I will need to have my heart removed, my thoughts intercepted because there are no words. She is my air, my every movement, with each blink something will remind me of her. Some say it is crazy to love someone this much. But I say you are crazy if you can't. My best friend, my angel, LogiK.. Sometimes I wonder if I can love her more than I already do. Then she answers me with small gestures.

A lot of women are missing out on their true happiness because they settled for Fool's Gold. I'm not going to rub it in, but.... If your mate is not showing up after work to listen after you had a long day, then you are missing it. If you are not receiving just because I though of you chocolate, then you are missing it. No matter how stressful their day is, if your mate is not smiling when they see you, you are definitely missing it. I am encouraging you to go and find everything you are missing in life. Because I can assure you, I have found MINE.

They will never understand

This is nothing but a rant against all of those who think females like Kim K, and Beyonce are what it means to be curvy. First of all, women with curves have long been around since the beginning of time. This shyt was not invented just last year. Who said that we where made popular, like some kind of fucking fashion statement. I have nothing against these ladies but umm NOOOO!! You are really not curvacious at all. You may have shape for your size, But they dayum sure have a team of people working on them to get that way. If you feel offended, then too fucking bad! I know plenty of females with shapes who never get the play they deserve. If you think the likes of these women are curvy, then what is Raven Simone, fat? Cuz I be damn if my size 38- 31- 43 is what I consider fat. I am all curves, all day. Everyone surrounding me is curves all day. So here is to us!!! At the end of the day, my curves are what keep ya men, and women looking at me. POINT BLANK!!!

Now that that's out of the way. You know why we as black women are never considered in the curvy section? It is because we are the one's filling out applications for ass magazines. Yes they make money, and I am not knocking it. But, when it comes to us, our curves are only recognize in videos. I'm not trying to be no one's video vixen, or on the cover of XXL as the next up and coming. Though I have been approached on many occasions. Its tacky as hell, and to think my family are full of men who read those smut mags in the first place. Everyone wanted to be Miss Toi from the I like the way you move video, but in actuality, women with curves never have to try so hard.

So here I am, 5'7, CHOCOLATE and CURVY.. NO I WILL NOT BLEACH MY SKIN TO FIT IN YOUR "VISION". I WILL NOT BECOME A SIZE SIX AND CALL MYSELF STACKED!! I AM A FUCKING STALLION, AND THAT'S THE IT SHOULD BE

Sneaky

You ever realize how sneaky females are? The thought just came to me today out of nowhere. As random as it was, I thought about it for a few seconds. Sneaky females come in all shapes and sizes. It starts from birth. We grew up being daddy's little girls. Why? Because we melt their hearts always. With our mothers, we couldn't because we share the same anatomy. Born with the gift to get any man to do what we want. So it always works. In our youth, we prefect it, cry to our male figures and show attitude to the female ones. By teenagers, we are cussing out our mothers. Dating everyone we know they will hate, just to prove that we could. Talk our fathers out of their pockets. When the relationship goes sour, we run to daddy to get the ex-boyfriend killed.

We get older and realize we are no longer in competition with our mother. She was trying to show us the ropes the whole time, but we needed our own space to grow so we never listen. Lets take this another way. You ever watch your friends and the other females around you and say: you a sneaky bitch? You trust your mate so you introduce them to your friends to only catch that bitch giving him/her the side eye. But you don't act a fool, you watch because you think its funny, and you want to know if your mate caught on. Guess what? They did, but its up to them to bring it up to you. If so, you have a good one. If not, watch their ass because they are fucking sneaky too.

Women have this think called women's intuition. We don't always use it, but it is there. Something ever just hit you out of the blue and you think hmmm, let me check this shit out? Always listen and watch for the signs because they are there. Just remember whether you are dating a man or a woman, Females are fucking Sneaky. If you are a lesbian, you know women can get away with cheating easily than a man. We are harder to catch, so pay attention more!! Make sure your partner knows you are crazy upfront, this way there will be no surprise when you out to kill. #imjustsaying

A new day

Everyone needs a new beginning. I am starting mine. Well I started it like 4 days ago. Sometimes we get into a place where things just stop. We become systematic with our movements even down to the way we eat. Every morning my alarm goes off at 6:15, I get out the bed at 7:30 and leave the house by 8:05. When life becomes routine it can tend to be very boring. What are you to do? How do you shake things up while still getting things done?

First step, my hair. No more perms, just curls, natural naps and flowers. I’m sick of perming my hair, going to get it washed, and then 2 days later I am flat ironing it. Sick of jeans and sneakers. Wearing pink and orange and making that shyt work. Tired of all the neutrals and the red with blues. My only constant is PURPLE.

Second step, I need new scenery. So now I am off to Atlanta to see how it goes down there. I feel like I need to try new foods, new people, just new everything. The same conversations, the same people, the same problems everyday really are stressful. Today I want to be stress free. Freedom is what we fight for everyday, yet I am trapped in this world, in my house, at my job until change comes. Since I have to work, and live, I must find freedom in other ways.

Third step, I have one constant that will remain the same. That is YOU. With my one constant must come changes as well. So I need new shoes, a new outfit and a new persona to make sure even my constant has changes within. With a new beginning, comes a better ending. Frankly that’s what everyone is looking for.

Happiness is Key to a Lovely Life. Make the most of it!!!

Sex 101

Would you really opt out of sex ed class for you children? Why parents feel like they have a choice in the matter? At the end of the day, your kid is out there sucking dick and guess what, it is not your choice. Why not arm them with the armor they need to protect themselves. At least giving them the harsh reality may derail them some from making their own choices. I didn't have sex ed until I reached college. Shyt by then, all my friends had babies, giving their own classes on how to fuck. These things should always be available. So to say they are going to far teaching about anal? Do they realize these little girls are having anal just so they can prove to their mothers that they are still virgins vaginally? How naive the Parents are for thinking this. Now if they only gave the truth about what drugs do to you at the tender age of 5, we might not have a world full of crack heads.

What is the deal?

A string of rapes and sexual assaults have taken over the mean streets of Brooklyn and the soft streets of Queens. I can not understand for the life of me why these guys have not been caught. Better yet why are these females still walking the same blocks the rapist are camping on? I will never blame the victim of a rape to say it is there fault, but is there no alternate route to walk? I blame the Blackberry's and iPhones to the problems of women not being aware of their surroundings. When I return home in the late hours, mind you from the train station is a two block radius or the bus is down the block from my building, my headphones are off. Walking, you can feel when somebody is following you before you hear them coming. Me, every three seconds I look behind my shoulders, and both sides to make sure I am OK. Now for homeboy jumping out the bushes, he not jumping when you get there, its either before or after. NYC bushes have way to much trash for you not to hear the movement.

There was a time in life where women used to walk with knives bigger than some guys penises. Can we bring that back? Or maybe that was just me. Now to address this other kind of rapist. Apparently, he is walking up to females and out right letting them know he is gonna rape them. Can you imagine some dude, saying: Hey, what's your name? Oh well I am gonna rape you know so don't bother screaming or I will kill you.. WTF id that? Showing some kind of object impression is not going to scare me. He could have been pointing a straw thru his pocket. There is no fucking way I'm just gonna let you rape me!!!!!!!!!!! Stab me, because we are about to brawl. Is there no fight left in the women of this world. Did the fight end with the so called women's rights. *that we really don't have, but that's another blog*

Somebody let me know please!!

On One

How many of you have taken an illicit drug to relieve the pain? Not weed because that's just a mess. I mean who can admit being addicted to codeine, vicodine, perks, all those pill popping drugs that makes you feel on cloud 11? I love to feel like I am on windorphins. Windorphins is that natural high you get from being extremely happy in your life. But now I need more potent ways to reach that level. So what is one to do? I remember there was a time when I used to try and drink my problems away. Do I chose between no liver or no stomach lining? This is in no means of an intervention, no I don't need help, I am not on any of these medications. But my question is, how do you reach for the happiness you once knew?

I would so like to be ON ONE right now. I have never and will ever take an Ecstasy pill. But something close to it will help out dramatically. I am just tired, stressed and almost ready to start anew with this life of mine. You ever just get to a point where you wanna say fuck it? No progress to report, just back pedals and bullshit? The feeling of unloved and under appreciated by everyone you know? Or is that always a story someone plays in their head to have an excuse to be unhappy? I say fuck it, I'm ON ONE!!! Right now, my room is spinning, I see purple elephants and I almost forgot what to day is.

Should I go find a coloring book and let my frustrations off through there? I might just color the pages black and red. Today "Hip Hop Can not Save My Life". I am far beyond music saving my soul, I am in search of a higher power. If I told you I spoke to my teddy bear, will that sound crazy? Maybe I speak to him because he doesn't speak back. I don't need an opinion just someone to listen to me, no judgment zone like planet fitness. My teddy bear provides the perfect ear, and mo matter what I say, he nod and understands because right now the world don't. No one is a mind reader, and Libras has this way of keeping all kids of shyt to themselves until the brink of explosion. I wonder will you still be standing after the smoke clears?